


That's What I Do: I Drink and I Know Things

by orphan_account



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: An accurate portrayal of my dreams, Curses, Grindr, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Piercings, Pining, Swearing, You're Welcome, but not like witches and wizards this isn't another Hogwarts AU, except less trippy, lots o bottles there cowboy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 14:33:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18412595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Bruce is a lonely boy™, and after Batman and Joker's disappearances from the streets, he turns to alcohol and dating apps to magically fix his problems. But, he doesn't quite find what he'd first anticipated...





	That's What I Do: I Drink and I Know Things

Bruce was irritated. Irritated and dressed in a sticky, alcohol drenched robe and Batman's cowl, flicking through a blur of television channels in the utter boredom and despair he was feeling. All coverage in Gotham was still blubbering on about "The Silence of Batman and Joker", which was six damn months ago now, and Bruce was bloody bored of it. He ran his hand across his stubble-covered jaw, and sighed heavily. Standing up and swaying a little, Bruce noticed all of the empty or half full bottles scattered in a vaguely... artistic (no, it wasn't, he had no excuse) shape around his chosen sofa; he was tired, drunk and an absolute mess without his dearest Alfred. God, that was a lot of bottles. Bruce counted one ... two ... twelve ... lots. Yeah, lots. Or whatever. He honestly couldn't be bothered, frankly. These 'lots' of bottles were the only thing keeping him going at this point, as his 'breakup phase' seemed a little... prolonged, and since he had nobody without an immense weight on their shoulders to vent to, Bruce was on his own. Of course, he just had to go and push all of his stupid family away now, didn't he? Weeeeeellll, maybe it could be a good thing. Maybe it was what he needed? Yeah.

That _was_ what he needed, someone who he wouldn't have to care about breaking up with, someone that he could simply forget if he were to make a mistake. Bruce would have scoffed at making a mistake in a relationship before, but now he'd screwed things up with Joker and, following that, his entire family, so there really was that shameful point on the dating list of considerations. It made the whole ordeal less... fun, he thought.

Begrudgingly, though, Bruce pulled out his phone from his right back pocket, and opened up the app store. After his many mistakes, trying a new 'dating app' was something Bruce wasn't even opposed to now.

Yikes.

Bruce scrolled, bored out of his mind, until he saw a name that actually made him laugh aloud. Grindr. Really? When? Who came up with this stuff? And, more importantly, why? The pure ludicrousy of the situation made him think though. Well, fuck it. Let's give this hot mess a go.

At first, Bruce saw what he usually expected- a name and bio to fill in, date of birth, and a few photos to upload (Bruce went wide eyed flicking through his camera roll when he noticed how downhill he'd gone), so it was all easy enough.

What Bruce wasn't expecting was to start looking though possible dating partners, and then realise they were all men.

And one of them looked a lot like Joker.

And he was h o t.

The boy's- no, man's- name was John Doe, and he apparently lived in a a run down flat in Gotham. He had vivid green hair, and black kohl around his eyes and small gemstones served as makeup. He wore a half buttoned, dark violet shirt, black slacks and suspenders, and his stupid little psychotic smile shouldn't have been that damn attractive.

...Holy Christ.

Bruce was fucked.

**Author's Note:**

> Oi oi  
> Here's your Batjokes slightly angsty drugs for the day  
> Comments upon my services are always appreciated greatly, good or bad, cheers lads  
> Kudos also makes the small cat in the corner of my home happy


End file.
